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I think Saturday, I am going to go home. Jumping into the lake and never resurface sounds like a good idea.

The more time I spend alone the more I realize I'm losing this battle. Would anyone search for me if I disappeared? Would anyone care?

I condensed my journal. I no longer care about the private entries I made back then. They seem so trivial. I pined after Mr. N when I no longer feel that way. If he does enter my mind, it fills me with rage and disgust. Dreams I wrote down that I felt had some sort of meaning but turned out they didn't. Old quest notes. I gave up on that quest. There's no point to any of it. I have no idea if I will be strong enough to make it to my next phase in life.

August 2012. 10 years ago. 10 years and I still wonder what really happened. I think you've died. I think what you saw in my shared dream scared you so much. I miss you. You were the one person who believed me about the man in my dreams. I don't remember the man in the dreams who kept trying to take me with him. I just remember you shared a dream in which he entered. You told me the dream in great detail before I had a chance to say a word. Your last words to me was to be careful the man in the dream would hurt me. You had said he wanted me to call his own. Life was so hectic I thought maybe it was a romantic gesture but you had said no that wasn't the case. I was in danger. You said you would be back in a week but that was 10 years ago. I never heard from you again.

I only hope I am not responsible for your death. If I am, I am truly sorry. I was a lost soul wanting answers and I didn't believe there would be consequences. As I said before the man forgot about me or has since then died as well. Or maybe it was a crossed wire. I don't know. I think about you from time to time. I hope maybe you just found me too monstrous to be around. I'm sorry. I never searched for you because I didn't know your real name. If I did know your real name I forgot it quickly.

I have so many questions but too much time has past. I'm too late. It's a chapter in forced to close.

I have a darkness within me
that's begging to be set free.
My demon without a name or face
that wants to hurt the lowlifes of the human race.
Part of me wants chaos, part me wants to play hero
I kill it off only for it to continue to grow
I hide behind of masks that everything is ok
Frozen screams from within with nothing to say
Tell me I'm important enough to keep
Tell me it's ok to wake from the sleep
There's a monster waiting for me to fall
So it can take over and claim it all
I turned all the mirrors around
So they don't see me fall to the ground
Cut out the bad parts of me
Hide it all so no one can see
Self dectruct from my own mind
Believing that people are really kind
Another mistake made
Another scar to fade
There's no one to call
To catch me as I fall
I'm not strong enough
I'm not that tough
Forgive me once more
As I fall through hell's door

I can't believe that I was so reckless. I need to focus on remaining positive. I keep having weird dreams about my birthday. I'm not sure how I feel about my birthday this year. I don't know if I will celebrate it. All I know is I can't afford any more mistakes. I need to get on a different path. I might celebrate my birthday next year. Until I can rid myself of this darkness inside me I think I should take it one day at a time .

I spent the entire day yesterday fighting with my inner demons. Yesterday I almost lost the fight against myself. No one knows how close I came to oblivion. It's a downward, fucked up spiral and no matter how hard I try I'm constantly reminded of my fails. I was on a nightmare loop while still awake. All I could think about was the fact that no one was paying attention. Those closest to me were busy with their own everyday struggles. I snuck out, it was dark but I pictured it starting to snow. I went up to the roof of the tallest building in my hometown I no longer live in. Still no one stopped me. I kept picturing myself standing on the edge. Not crying, not afraid but watching the ground. I was hoping it wouldn't be made of rubber and just fuck up my body more. I kept picturing me taking a deep breath and jumping. I kept picturing my skull cracking as it caved against the concrete. All yesterday no matter how hard I fought, I kept thinking about it. Just nothing more than a broken doll on the ground forgotten as the snow covered me entirely. I gave up my vices and yesterday was the first time in a few years I made a mistake. I oversosed on the very pills I take to keep me alive. I spent hours throwing up. No one knows. If I hadn't made myself throw up, or forced myself out of that loop, who knows what would have happened to me.

What triggered it? Looking in the mirror and hating everything about myself. I felt small, unimportant, ugly and useless. Today, I feel defeated. I've tried so hard to kill that side of me. Yesterday it just took over without a warning. For a brief moment my mask shattered. I was alone. Looking back over my life, surrounded by people, I have been alone. Standing alone in a crowd, sticking out like a sore thumb.

Am I done? Am I giving up? I thought I was trying to be stronger, healthier. I thought I was past this.

Now my mask has to be made from something stronger I'm afraid I don't have. I have to once more convince this fucking world that I am ok. I will keep going each day.

I must get past this. This sort of depression and hatred towards myself can't be solved by medication. It's like my core is corrupted, and the darkness of my soul is angry for being locked up. I try to be a better person, I completely stepped off my path. Im beyond lost at this point. I feel like I'm in a cage with no memory as to who I am. I can't release the monster inside of me, this world is too far corrupt and it would never go hungry.

That feeling like I am important when in reality I'm not, is dangerous. I am no one, I am what the ground is paved of so that the important have a place for their dirty feet.

I need to reset. Lock up that darkness and corruption in a place it can't break free. Basic survival. Nothing more.

I have been a part of this site for a long time now. I first joined because I was searching for something. A friend once turned me to this site because I think he may have sensed I was on a quest. I wanted to find the man who beckoned me in my dreams. Over the years, that quest to find him turned up dead ends. I think I put it on the back burner hoping that I wasn’t just some crazy woman trying to dig up a figment of her imagination. I thought I was getting closer to finding him when Mr. X became my friend. For a while, the man haunted me. It’s been years since he has visited my dreams. If he were real, perhaps he forgot about me. Or it was like someone had once said, that it wasn’t meant for me. I had somehow interfered. I don’t know. As I have gotten older things have changed. I am no longer that same woman searching. For a while, I didn’t know who or what I was. I didn’t fit in anywhere. I still don’t, but it doesn’t seem to bother me much anymore. I guess I no longer care whether or not I’m an odd-shaped puzzle piece, part of something else. Over the years, I’ve had to lie to myself so much about who I am, that I’ve begun to believe it. I’m just a lost soul. I’ll disappear from this life, like a lost soul. In some way, I wanted to be important, and special. I wanted a purpose. But like everything else in my life, that feeling has been cut down to miniature proportions.

In a different reality I wouldn't have to rely on only myself for everything. I would never experience the cold hard slap of loneliness and being alone all the time. I wouldn't struggle so much bearing all the weight on my shoulders. I wouldn't pretend I was made from steel and not ceramic. I wouldn't be cracking and faded into oblivion while everyone else remains oblivious.

It does no good to dream of a different reality. But I still have to remind myself every day to keep going. This is my reality.

It's been a long week. Family members are fighting with each other. I am doing my best to stay out of it. So much unnecessary drama and lies, no one needs that stress added to them. I feel badly for my aunt and uncle that's having to deal with it, but without stepping in, there isn't much I can do. One particular family member has pissed off the entire family by now. She is lucky I'm keeping everyone from giving her a beat down. I'm not sure what spurred all this vile. My uncle is dying, my aunt is devastated and it's just a mess. Seriously, I just want it to stop. I want the person in the family who is stirring up all this bullshit to back down. I can only hold back so many people at a time. Of course, she won't. Now all of a sudden she's a victim. A victim I don't believe, and am fairly certain she's lying. They aren't even good lies, just crap that doesn't make sense. I've known her for her entire life, I'm the older one. When did all this crap she is spewing actually happened?

It's all nonsense. So close to the holidays I doubt I'll even participate in the holiday. The holiday was supposed to celebrate our freedom as a country. Lately, it doesn't feel as free.

I'm tired and my head feels cluttered. I'll write more when I feel like I can breathe again. Right now, I just feel buried.